Firstly, I have to point out that the lack of new material on my blog is not because I am the flakiest person alive and haven’t had anything to blog about (my drafts queue is pretty much full). I am entirely committed to producing content, especially having read some marvellously inspiring blogs on here that have given me great ideas. Unfortunately, my laptop decided that it was going to break and apparently it takes 11 days to replace the N key on a MacBook (who knew?). Anyhow, here I am and back with a different style of post.
So, as I have been navigating the recent loss of my father, I have been confronted with the standard emotions of re-evaluating my life. I’ve realised that my paranoia as to whether or not my father was ever truly proud and accepting of me probably derives from my own lack of pride in myself. I realise that I do not feel fully developed yet. I was suddenly confronted with the idea that who I am now is all that my father would ever know of me: that that was the finished product from his point of view.
Obviously I realise that there’s no such thing as a “finished product” when it comes to a human being. There’s no sudden moment where we realise that we are adults. The most sobering moment of adulthood is in fact realising that nobody else has a fucking clue what is going on. We’re all making it up as we go, and that’s great. We don’t suddenly stop developing and remain the same just because we’re no longer children. We are constantly evolving and growing. So I shouldn’t put too much pressure on myself to be an adult or a parent figure just yet. I don’t need to have it all figured out. I don’t need to always be strong and know exactly what’s happening, but there are elements of my life and my personality that I would like to focus upon developing now that I’ve realised I’m dissatisfied with them.
I have decided that one thing that I have become quite bad at is actually reflecting upon my experiences and giving myself due credit and processing time. I feel like I go from one situation to the next without taking the moment to mindfully consider what has gone on and how fortunate I have been – or, indeed, how I can use that experience as a learning opportunity. While journalling about my work experience would truly be hell on this earth, I found that when writing and reflecting upon my recent trip to New York, I became cognisant of just how brilliant and unforgettable an experience it had been. To become more mindfully aware of my own life as I experience it can only be beneficial.
To write more
Dipping my toe into blogging is a wonderful creative outlet that I just adore, but I would really love to get back into my creative writing. I have had a novel rattling around my head for more than the past ten years, and I simply must commit it to paper. It may not even reach anybody else’s eyes but my own, but it’s truly something on my bucket list to have a book published – and, aged 24, it is definitely not too late (regardless of how much my brain tells me that it is).
To take my own singing/performing more seriously
Not only do I like watching theatre, but I also love taking part in it. While that has been something that I’ve been passively engaging in and been very comfortable with my own level of skill, I’d like to do things that are challenging for me and to commit myself to improving on this front. That means trickier songs and roles in productions I involve myself in moving forwards. I’m done with pretending like I haven’t got a voice: I have, and I wish for people to hear it. Nothing’s going to come to me from being a wallflower.
To take my health more seriously
I shall admit it. I do not take enough care of my body. I do not love myself in the same way that I love other people. Would I give all of the horrible food that I put into my body into the mouth of another? Would I sit and put packets upon packets of sweets inside them within 5 minutes time? No. That would be abusive. I need to stop pretending that my treatment of myself is anything other than being negligent. While the only person that currently affects it myself, what about in thirty years time? If I am not taking good care of myself now, in my physical prime, how can I trust that when I am older I won’t end up dying prematurely and leaving behind my children or partner unexpectedly? Morbid, but it happens.
Therefore, while still being kind to myself and accepting that it will take my brain time to adjust, I need to start eating more healthily (perhaps trying more natural products or even – gosh dare I say this – vegan?) and also having more exercise than just walking to and from school every day. Just because I’m not fat, doesn’t mean I’m not unhealthy on the inside.
So there we have it. Here are my personal goals – not just for 2019, but for my life moving forwards. These are the things that I would like to change so that I can see myself reaching my full potential. I am in competition with nobody but the me I was yesterday.